TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
