but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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