slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
