he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
