Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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