he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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