Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
