I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
