Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
