Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
