my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
