some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
