remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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