ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
