I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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