Please, let me fuck your mom
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
