I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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