that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
