We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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