There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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