Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
