P.S. I can't hear my feet
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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