Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
