I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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