i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
