i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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