i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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