She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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