my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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