As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
