just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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