Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
