I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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