apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
