I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
