why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
