im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
