I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
