so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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