I wish they made helmets for livers.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
