pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
