craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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