Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
