My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
