well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I checked into jail on foursquare
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
