Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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