my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
