I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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