hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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