there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
